he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
