Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Randomize
