Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
