i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Randomize
