I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
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