I'm really into asian looking animals
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
