seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
