honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
I think I am morally bankrupt
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Randomize
