Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Randomize
