Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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