Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
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