there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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