you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
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