true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
