Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
