Dude?? where did you go after Wildcats last night? Last I heard you went off with one of the girls we danced with?
Negative - This is his GF, Bobby is in Jail for a DUI. Thanks for the info.
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
