why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
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