I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
