Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
