True but thats because hes a fetus.
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Randomize
