Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize