I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
