Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Randomize
