It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
You've changed since you got that strap on
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
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