If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
Free beer happened. I got hammered and aaron did his first keg stand. Then went all martha stewart on redecorating the bathroom. I remember being at walmart
What theme did he decide on for the bathroom?
Well as you know martha loves the northeast this time of year. I believe the theme was 'coney island' decorrated with hot dogs and macaroni
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
