You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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