Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Randomize
