the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Randomize
