porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize