Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
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