He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
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