If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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