carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Randomize
