My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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