why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
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