remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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