You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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