Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
