Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
Randomize