remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
