Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
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