I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
