I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
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