What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
My ATM looks so different sober.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize