I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
