Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
