I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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