oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
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