my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
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