So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Randomize
