Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
