I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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