Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Randomize
