life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Randomize
