I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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