i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
