did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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