Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
Randomize
