The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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