do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
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