I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
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