how can u be prego again
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Randomize
