I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Randomize
