Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Randomize
