I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
It's official drugs can't kill me
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Randomize
