he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
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